Today Ani confronted me and said I need to see a counselor to get over my fears. I disagree. I think I need to find a riding instructor who understands fear, and as much as possible, ride another horse who I trust, to build up faith in riding again.
By the end of our ride I was on Mag' back more than usual, even down the hills, because it was so bloody hot I couldn't walk another step.
Despite being swarmed with a literal cloud of horseflies eating both of them, neither horse flipped out. I put my hand on my saddle and gave Mag his head to fight the awful flies.
When I got home, Mag's tail was flecked in red.
Raincoast rider spoke today about trail sharing and it's hard for me to fathom that she has to do much of that where she lives, in the great wilderness.
Today we ran into two groups of dog walkers, each who gathered their dogs when they saw us.
Cresting that hill, I saw a dog shape and warned Ani, "There's a ..thing...coming"
The owner caught both Berner dogs by their collars (no leashes at all?) and carefully kept the gorgeous dogs away from us.
Her friend, a slim white haired lady paused and just grinned at me and Mag. I said, "Thanks. " She just stood there motionless as her friend kept on, taking Mag in. Mag, as usual, was curious and bent toward her with his most becoming look.
It's those time I have to steer him away from people, otherwise I'll be guilty of all the doggy fails out there, with dogs rushing me. Mag would have liked to have met her. I just smiled back and imagined she was an Arabian person, because she did not notice Rudi. Or maybe she just likes pink nosed greys with scars.
It touched me, realizing I do the same when I appreciate someone's animal. I just stop and stare and grin stupidly. For me it's a German Shepherd. On line or under voice control, of course. I had to smile and say hello to another user today who had a big brindle dog and an even bigger back pack with a doggy water bowl strapped to the back. I appreciate people who have control.
Almost home, our good neighor lady stopped me and stroked Mag, apologizing for not having a carrot. She asked me if his nose is protected by sunscreen. Funny question! I told her he wears a mask cuz he will rub the lotion off. (on me)
Our bad neighor lady, on the other hand, was also there with her bad black lab. For the first time Maia was on a leash, and with a ball in her mouth, and as she ran to attack, the owner was able to hold her back. Maia is the worst dog in town. She has run under my fence gate into my pasture to bark at me as I clean up poop. WTH dog. I just face her off as her owner calls and calls.
Today she had Maia on a leash, thank God cuz if her dog attacked Mag on the street, I know Mag would do nothing, but I would have put on a show.
At home, I took his saddle off, and he had a sweat mark. I rarely see that. Good boy, have some frozen carrots. (I'm not sure he likes them frozen but I sure do like them in this weather.)
9 more days than I'm gone. I'm thanking God for a lovely long ride today, as well as our fear-free lesson Tuesday.
A pound of carrots was split between Mag and Bellis tonight. ICE COLD!
12 comments:
Ani doesn’t understand I imagine, mainly due to her lack of knowledge perhaps? I know I’ve never been the same after breaking my ribs forever ago! Doesn’t mean I can’t be, just that I’m not.
Great picture of you and mags! As for your fears, I wonder what you think could realistically happen?
Has it been a long time since you have fallen? Is that what worries you? (PS I fell off last year on trail in slow motion and landed on a big soft pile of sand while Q looked at me with his wtf? expression. Got right back on, no harm no foul)
Are you worried he will take off galloping? The one rein stop can help your fears.
There are a lot of crazy accidents that can happen, and I have a very fertile imagination that often dip into deep pools of dark thoughts. We could do a whole series of posts on “what if” scenarios. Im particularly scared of falling off a bridge while driving my car. Cant explain it.
I wonder what you need to trust Mags, and lets work on it. Break it down into pieces.
Or, lets work on it once you are done with medic training! Yeah for the scholar. You will ace this!
Camryn, how strange to not empathize with fear, irrational or rational. You and me both: "Doesn't mean I can't be, just that I'm not."
ND, Ani asked me the same thing. I replied death. I fell from Mag once, and Mara once. Two falls in 6 years. Both from spooking. I was inordinately upset both times, and my head had hit the ground so hard I couldn't move at first, that one time. I don't trust a one-rein stop because in all the situations where a horse has taken off with me, that would have kipped them over. Bridges: In Germany it's easy cuz the briges have tall walls so drivers cannot look down. But in America, especially where I'm from, there are FLOATING bridges with waves coming over the bridge and hitting your windshield. No problem if you're used to it. But Oregon has the Astoria bridge, which, I didn't even know I had bridge anxiety until that last time driving over it, a mile up in the sky, and I suddenly blacked out in panic for a moment. No previous bridge axiety at all. WTH. At this point I can handle German bridges but underwater tunnels worry me. I keep thinking about all that water over my head. (Hamburg) "Can't explain it."
It's nice of you to cheer for me, I feel sure I'll ace the written and oral exams cuz this is all the same stuff I did already. But those accident scenario tests, there's not enough practice, so I feel doomed to fail again. Unless this particular school can teach them more effectively. I'm praying this is the case with this new school!
I just wrapped up all my paperwork - two notary certified copies of my Visa/Identity, a certified copy of my University of Washingto diploma (oh come on, really?), my government issued crime-free certificate (sigh), my immunization passport proving I have enough Hepatitis antibodies to last the rest of my life, and all my official "permission slips" to take the tests at the end. So far my Internship search has been a fail, so this could be interesting. I'm stretching out to other cities but that involves multiple busses every day. Complicated!
Crazy idea ... what if you helped someone else with their fear? And another thought, what if you took some riding lessons on school horses?
ND, who else has fear?
Wish you could have read my blog in those days, when I took lessons around town. ALL side reins ALL the time. Like, UNDER SADDLE side reins. (?!)
Lytha, I understand your anxiety and fear. As much as I loved my Arabians, they did a number on my head about anxiety. Yes, I was more afraid of the spooks than bolting because I’d had success with one rein stops. Oh, I rode my horses and I rode them boldly and well, but there was still that underlying anxiety. When I went through menopause, my riding anxiety escalated, and after I sold my last Arabian and later decided to get another horse, I found my self calculating how the spook would feel on the horse I was riding. I could really do the rough physics in my head. And I had some real meltdowns on some bigger horses. Getting on hormone replacement helped, but yes, what gave me confidence again was riding a different breed of horse which I was boarding and rehabbing for a friend, a good steady paint. It was about 6 months after Khanalee died and I’d have a total break from horses. It was healing. And that appy I had that I didn’t like, I still didn’t have to worry about him acting like an idiot. So, yes, your desire to have lessons on a steadier horse could be very healing. Honestly, I don’t think Mag is that bad. I think you are a good rider but have lousy teachers and riding partners. You have a good brain, and I’m not convinced that just getting counseling is going to “fix” you because you still have to deal with Mag. And the older we get, the more vulnerable we feel, because we are. I don’t envy you and this conundrum because I know it isn’t easily dealt with.
If you would allow me an observation...
I know it’s hard to not imagine the worst, but your self-talk reinforces those negative expectations, whether about your rides, or your medical training.
Try : “I’ve got this!” “We’re going to have a great ride!” “Mag trusts me, and I trust him!”
“I’m going into these exams with solid knowledge and the best training I can get. I’ll do it this time!”
Picture yourself having a wonderful ride; what would a great lesson look like? What would an excellent practical exam look like?
Easy for me to say, I know, but your mental imagery makes a difference!
KB, I believe the answer lies in your story. Mag is not bad; I really like him and believe he will be my 2nd great horse one day. I've been told I'm a good rider but I don't know how to self-analyze that : ) Lousy teachers abound. Awful riding partners, you've been reading my blog so long you know. I've never heard/read of general counseling helping riding anxiety. I appreciate that you empathize.
ES, I'm mentally reiterating my good lesson Tuesday and my great ride Thursday, living on them as sustenance. Interestingly, Susanne asked me when she met me, "Does Mag trust you?" I said, "Absolutely." It's a one-way thing, though, at this point. For example, he's so kicky, I worry every time I walk behind him. He's kicked me across the paddock, and my mind keeps that as a survival mechanism when I'm passing behind him.
My memories of this week will get me through to the end of October!
He kicked you across the paddock.??
A couple of years ago my mom pulled out a photo album she had found of me. It was nothing but pictures of my horse showing days when I was a junior. The first picture was me and my horse turning in the air over a 4'6" oxer. I had a big smile on my face. I've had to accept that I'm not that rider anymore, and most likely never will be. When I really think about it, at this point in time I don't even want (or maybe don't need?) to be that rider anymore.
I used to prefer hotter horses as they naturally had a better canter for the big jumps. Until two years ago I'd never owned anything but a thoroughbred or giant warmbloods. I took a 7 year break from riding because of life, and I became a parent during that time. I now ride a 15.2 paint. She had about 20 rides when I bought her but she was quiet, quiet, quiet. Realistically she's probably not going to jump bigger than 2'6", and we aren't even doing that. It's been hard on my confidence and bravery to teach the quietest horse ever to jump tiny, speed bump jumps. I used to think of a 2'6" jump as my trot fence, now it looks huge.
All that to say, we evolve over time in many aspects of our lives. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm still a good horsewoman and I'm still an ok rider. I may not have the bravery that I used to have, but I no longer see that as only a negative. I'm more thoughtful about my rides (sometimes too thoughtful . . . ) and how I am training my young horse. I see you being the same with Mags. I'm glad you had a good lesson and a good ride, those can carry you for a long time!
RE: your horse "mugging" people (because he's friendly), have you tried teaching the "look away" trick? It's quick to teach, and once horses learn it, they can approach people without invading space!
Fiddle's version of this is now refined: I can give the verbal command, or I can put my hands on my hips to cue the trick--and the hands-on-hips thing is super-easy to teach other people!
http://haikufarm.blogspot.com/2014/10/in-which-trick-training-makes.html
Melissa, thanks for that. It's nice to know. Ideally we'll have a confidence boosting horse when we need it, and one that serves as an example to our younger horse!
ND, yes, I ended up far from where I was when he kicked me. These sudden kicks are a panic reaction, says my chiropractor. They happen seeming for no reason. For example some ladies at the boarding barn were talking, with Mag on a lead line, and he kicked out and put a hole in the neighbor's wooden fence for "no reason." Of course there's a reason, but I have no idea what it is.
Aarnee, don't worry I don't let him mug people that would be as rude as someone letting their leashed dog jump on me. I think it's cute tha the wants to, though: ) I remember you teaching Fiddle this and teaching people to do it with her. I think your reason was to keep her from begging for treats?
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