Sunday, August 20, 2017

S2's grill party and barn drama (caused by me?)

***

This is supposed to be part 2 of 2, but I'm impatient to share it cuz it just happened. So I'll add that yesterday I spent the day crewing for S2 and her awesome horse Chilly at a Western show. And it was so much fun! Details to come. She invited everyone who helped her to a grill party at her barn today. So, that's where I'll start.

***

Parties aren't my favorite thing but S2 is such an kind, real person I was glad to learn most of her friends are too.

Below is a photo from Germany's top horse photographer, Boiselle, who my photographer friend learned under. The caption read, "5 Arabian stallions" - I believe this is from the photo tour to the Marbach Stud, Germany's oldest Arab state-owned breeding farm. Anyway I loved the photo for its spontaneity.

It sums up how I feel at parties too.

"Are you nice?  

Should I leave?"





As I pulled in, I saw S1's car parked there. My heart sank, because I knew it meant she was out riding her horse, *in the morning*, when I always prefer to ride, but she always tells me her mornings are reserved for other things, and forces me to ride in the afternoon. *sigh* I tried not to have my feelings hurt. I ran into her half of the barn but neither Elke's grey or S1's chestnut were there (the barn is just a big open building split in half for Elke's side, and S2's side, both renters in a double-house, double stall. It's weird.) My feelings were a little hurt though, cuz I realize she's not willing to be flexible when it comes to riding with me. This is a little foreshadowing.

There was one loud bleached blond there who didn't quiet fit into the quiet, reserved personalities that described every single other person there (except S2's new boyfriend Andy, who is a silly dork).

There was a family with kids and they had the most fascinating games with them. One is called Viking Chess, where two teams try to knock down standing blocks of wood with another block of wood. I've only seen it played with beer bottles by drunken people on the Rhein. It looks fun. Then we played a round of Bocce, the classy ball tossing game that old men play in France in town squares. The kids were playing abysmally. So glad I don't have kids. One of them had a diaper change in the back of a hatchback. I'd never seen a hatchback used that way before. Respect!

Suddenly Ani showed up I was surprised to see her; she came right to me and said, "Oh good you're here, I know someone! Can I give you a hug?" How nice that she asks. I was thrilled to see her too but when I hugged her I realized she's so skinny I could hurt her.

She asked if I'd pray for her regarding her online dating situation, she is 40 now, I found out today (no way, she looks 30), and really longing for a husband. I told her, "I've been praying for you, it's what friends do." She gave me another hug. She's so reserved and awkward, and continuing to open up to me, since we bonded this month. I'm almost protective of her, especially remembering the nasty things S1 said about her, even with S1 knowing Ani's my friend. *shakes head sadly* This is more foreshadowing.

There was an amazing amount of grill meat for such a tiny charcoal grill. I had brought some chicken quarters and zucchini but there was no space, I had to wait until the next round.

We all stuffed ourselves and everyone carefully avoided the American style bbq sauces I'd brought (too "smokey"), and my cheddar cheese. "Are you scared of my sauce?" I asked dorky Andy. "Yes." He mumbled something else and I asked the blond next to me, "What IS his dialect?" She said, "Ossy!" That means he's from East Germany. Hm. When Ani and I were talking English earlier, he said, "Hey, I understand only Bahnhof!" (It's Germany's way of saying "Greek to me.") I replied, "HEY, when you talk GERMAN, same here, Bahnhof!" Later the blond said, "Try taking the wool sock out of your mouth Andy." I said, "He likes his sock, he won't do it." She admitted to me she doesn't understand him sometimes. That made me feel so much better, after spending the day with him yesterday at the show, and failing to grasp most of what he said.

Then we all took a trip to the pasture to visit the horses. It was a 15 minute walk. That's Germany - horses are kept in random places NOT at the barn/house. In fact, this field was so far off I told Ani I wouldn't keep my halter on the gate, too easy for strangers to steal them. Seriously, horses out of view of any house, and a bunch of halters and leads hanging there.

I gave Mira a massage, purposely coating my hands with her smell for Mag. S2's gorgeous bay, Mustang-like 2 year old horse was annoying everyone chewing on people's shoes and hair and not respecting anyone's space at all. The horse people in the group could get him away, but the others had no hope, he was in their lap. As I expected, Chilly wanted nothing to do with us, he was done with humans after the horse show yesterday.




S2 and her outstanding Haflinger/QH mix, Chilly. My Gimped photo. Judges right. I love photos where horse and rider are both looking at something together, or even half-looking. More to come....

Back to the pasture.

The family, even the little kids, were bilingual and the kids would say "HORSES!" in English, what a surprise. The parents wanted to talk to me about Canada, Hawaii, etc, placed they'd been. They'd seen the Rocky Mountains and I said, "It doesn't get much better than that!"

The blond lady would scream at the dog to come every so often, she is American-loud. She didn't stop talking the entire day, not even to breathe. When I asked her about her horse she got distracted finding other horse photos on her phone that she had to show S2. I never caught her name, but she said she is usually along in the carriages that go trotting by our house. I said, "Next time you drive by with your horses, WAVE at me!"

I sometimes wonder if being extroverted makes you a happier person.

We finally made our way back to the barn, after spending about 45 minutes with the horses. German life is slow. Sundays are slower.

At the barn, Andy poured another pile of fresh charcoal on and started getting MORE FOOD. What? We had just eaten an hour ago. They were doing a second round. My goodness!

BUT....

Right as we were entering the barn yard area, S1 and Elke (the mean barn "owner" lady) were leading their unsaddled horses out to pasture (in some other far-off field). Elke struggled to keep her show poodle, not-show poodle, and Irish wolfhound away from the kiddies with us.

S1 looked up and saw me, surprised, "YOU are here!" Yah, I suppose that would be surprising cuz I don't often get invited to barn parties. But she knows I'm friends with S2, so *shrug*. What she doesn't know is that I "crewed" for S2 yesterday at the show. If I were to ride with S1 more often, I'd be telling her about my life more often: )

Ani was standing right next to me as S1 said, "Hey, we just rode to Sengbachtalsperre (the far-away watershed)! And I found a waffle stand!"

I'm not sure what or if I replied, because those two sentences were a double punch.

If you read my blog you know that a few weeks ago S1 and I'd planned a big adventure (a 6 hour trip for me) to the far-away watershed. I'd packed a lunch, garmin, water for both of us, and was sooooo excited. Without prior warning, when I arrived at her barn, she said, "We can't go, the footing is too bad. It's muddy and rocky." I was crushed. But what can you do? Argue? She knows the area, I don't. But we'd been planning it for weeks. And she'd used a vacation day specifically so we wouldn't have weekend crowds. I was so sad about it, and during our little ride that day I think she sensed it cuz she kept making excuses, "The footing is just SO bad, see? It would never have worked." I let my dream go, of ever riding there, realizing that I couldn't count on her.

This week we've had tremendous amounts of rain. Like every Summer in Germany, pinpointed onto this week. I have so much mud in my horse area it's like Winter after the thaw.

There is no way the trails are less muddy today. Just sayin.

Waffle stand? Oh, I'm not sure you'll recall the time I asked her to show me the way to the rails-to-trails path through our city. Mag was new to me and I wasn't riding yet, just leading him around town, and I knew being exposed to a high-volume trail would be good for him. The place I chose also had a free-church-run waffle stand 200 meters down the trail.

But, as soon as we arrived (a 2.5 hour walk for me), she said, "We can't stay here, it's too busy. I can't take my horse on this thing." I said, "The waffle stand is just there, around the corner! People have tied horses there before, I've seen it." But she said, "No, it's too much, we should go home." And so we did, and I didn't even have 10 minutes at this location I'd worked so hard to get at. *sigh* That was a 5 hour day on foot with Mag for me, and it felt like a total waste to get there and just turn around.

So why did she bring up waffles today? Was it the church waffle stand? I'm so curious.

But mostly hurt.

She went to Sengbachtalsperre with someone else, after telling me repeatedly, "We'll do it, I promise you, when the weather is good, perhaps in the fall!" Emotionally, I'd let it go by then.

Approximately one minute later I was standing in the barn doorway with Ani on my left, and the blond chick on my right. I said to Ani in English, "How can she just say that to me so casually, like it wouldn't hurt me? She's so ....unintentionally cruel to me! She has no idea how much she just hurt me, she just speaks before she considers her words. As always. She's so GERMAN, in this way."

Then I realized I'd let my guard down, cuz Ani was there, and I started crying a little as I spoke. How humiliating, but, no, Ani is OK. But the blond, oh...she has no idea.

I thought "Screw it, it's impolite to start crying and talking in a foreign language.."

So I told the blond the story that Ani had witnessed. Giving her the background I just gave you (again, sorry).

I'd forgotten to mention that the day S1 and I were heading out to our NOT agreed upon destination, Ani had actually crossed our path on her horse Mira. As we passed, I said, "S1 says the ground is too muddy, and we can't go to Sengbachtalsperre. Oh well." She had smiled, "Oh, OK." I'm adding that so you can see that Ani was kind of a part of this whole story. She was there the day we didn't go.

The blond said, "I don't trust that lady (S1). There is something about her I've never trusted, and I've known her a long time. There's something weird about her."

I thought, "Oh no, did I just CREATE barn drama where none had existed!?"

But I admit, it felt so nice to be standing between two ladies who heard my story and took my side.

And there should be a difference - I did not intend to speak ill of anyone, I had just experienced a bad thing and felt justified to sharing it to the two people at my sides. I don't know. I repeated to the blond lady, "She is my friend. Since 2012. She sometimes speaks before she considers her words. She is my friend." I tried to mitigate emotion, but I was in fact crying.

My husband heard the whole story when I got home, and totally comforted me, but there was something special about two ladies trying to comfort me. My husband is the type that encourages before advising. He won't advise unless I specifically ask. He's like, the perfect man. I said, "What do you think?" and he agreed with me that telling S1 that she's sometimes abrupt would be good, but I don't have to, and he hugged me a long time. Most women don't want to be told what to do unless they specifically ask, most want comfort, and he's got that down. But he pays attention to me so much that he can give educated tips.

I wonder what you think, if you're reading this?

I know the whole situation is nearly nothing, on the surface. But if you've been reading a long time, you know I've known S1 5 or 6 years now, and from time to time she shocks me at her lack of consideration for others' feelings.

I guess I was so happy to have finally made a friend, I let standards slide. And I truly want to stay friends with her, cuz she's a good riding partner (if I can finally get her to actually ride with me). I know in my heart I should tell her how I feel. Maybe she'll email me this week and give me the opportunity. And since I'm in Germany, I need to suck it up when this happens, cuz it always will.

For now I've given up on seeing Sengbachtalsperre. I let it go.

And got another big hug from Ani when I left, after thanking everyone (and wondering how they can possibly eat more food!).

I'm so thankful for new-ish friends: )

***

I feel safe publishing stories on the internet about real-life drama with people, because 1. My blog is not searchable with search engines (unless you know the name of my blog - and my acquaintances certainly do not, and I never mention the B word ) 2. I try not to use real names and 3. This is Germany and I'm writing in English. Not to say Germans don't know English, but I feel most are less motivated when they can simply read German blogs. As you know, my system has failed a little and there are a few Germans who have slipped through my security measures. They are SPIES. JK! lol




17 comments:

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

Sorry about all that happening. Hmmmm. I might make my blog unsearchable. How do you do that? Before I moved, no one local read my blog, so I could write about neighbors and what happened in my community. Then I moved here, and have a lot of local readers who have to discuss my posts with me in person. Most of the time they give unsolicited advice or try to "correct" me. I prefer to leave the Internet on the Internet, and keep what happens in person separate.

One thing I should say is that I like the way you are so unassuming. I have a lot of respect for people who don't make assumptions. Your thought processes are refreshing. You question things, but don't get locked into false perceptions.

lytha said...

I'm curious how locals, since you moved, found your blog. What were the channels?

How strange, and uncomfortable, in a new place. In person, really! And I am afraid to ask how they try to correct you. Probably with the climate/topography issues you have that are new compared to NV.

You have made my day by calling me unassuming. I strive to be! My husband asked what that means. I said, "I try to give the benefit of the doubt, even under duress." Is that what you meant?

I tell J, "On the Autobahn, when someone does something dangerously stupid, my first reaction is to think he fell asleep, or had too much caffeine, his wife is actually giving birth, or, he's actually dying at the wheel."

Now that NM is a common name, I have no idea how you'd make it less searchable, sadly. I have never let mine have a search feature, from the beginning, which is really inconvenient for me if I want to look up the date Baasha died, for example. Hey, did you know I started blogging in 2001? I'm OLD!

lytha said...

NM, settings - posts - comments - sharing - I'm not sure after that point cuz I didn't set up my blog at that time, when they had those options.

TeresaA said...

I had something similar to you- horse related. I talked to her directly about it and told her that it hurt me. However, we are not friends anymore- just friendly.

I think S1 is direct enough that you could talk to her about it.

Fletcher said...

Here's a virtual hug from far away :)

AareneX said...

Searching your blog has always been a PITA, I had no idea you designed it that way, sneaky woman. :-)

Drama is my least favorite thing. Friends are my favorite thing. If you can hang out with people who are not inclined towards drama (everybody is occasionally, but some people cannot breathe without it and THOSE need to be avoided!) I think you will be happier. And also, when you run into drama, it's not quite the end of the world.

At least, that's the theory.

I think your S1 is thoughtless, and careless. Maybe a good riding buddy, but perhaps not a good friend, if that distinction is meaningful? I won't ride with anybody that I wouldn't eat dinner with, but I wouldn't necessarily bring all of the people I meet on the trail home for supper. I'm only half-kidding. YOU are a good friend (and you will notice that every time you visit me, I try to feed you!) and you are worthy of good friends. That doesn't mean you need to eliminate people who are just good riding buddies.

Perhaps you will be able to guide S1 towards better behavior towards you? You will not change her essential nature, but you might be able to change how she treats you (most of the time, nobody is perfect!). It's probably worth a try.

<3 you went to a party! Look at you with friends and a party! I am seriously quite proud, I know that isn't easy for you.

(Extroverts are not necessarily happier. But when I'm happy, I'm not very shy about sharing that information.)

Kitty Bo said...

My initial reaction was. "We-e-e-ll shit! That's no friend of hers!" When I was in my 40's,I guess I was a "nicer" person, but going into my '50's and now especially that I am almost 65, I don't put up with shit from people. Better to be honest about it, like the blond lady was (I like her!) If you still want to ride with her, so be it, but go in with your eyes wide open and be willing to stand up for yourself. She sounds like an out and out narcissist to me. Just know what your dealing with. That's not being judgmental. That's being real and honest.I agree with Aarene. I'm just a little more blunt about it.

I love it that you have these other real friends!

lytha said...

Teresa, I think I will, next time I talk to her.

Fletch, that's so nice of you. I'm so glad you talk on facebook so I can see what you're up to. I have plans of someday actually saying something on facebook. For me still, it's too much like public speaking.

If anyone else is reading this, Fletch is the person who introduced me to blogging in 2001. My life was changed.

Aarene, I am the one who created the drama, I am convinced. I am the one who cried and then explained why, and it sounds so silly, "She rode with HER and not ME!" That info was probably passed on around the barn. I did not mention it to S2, even though we've been emailing and texting a lot since the show/party. Me thanking her, her thanking me. I'm not going to bring it up cuz S1 is her barnmate. But too late, I'm sure the info is out there.

I appreciate your advice about friendships and wonder if you know that I considered S1 my "Best friend" the last 6 years, for lack of alternatives. And the fact that she is really good at email. But you're right, she's not a person I'd be friends with if I wasn't so needy.

When I realize that some people don't like her, I guess that it's cuz she's well educated, established in a career of Human Resources (her entire life, that one job, one company - that's Germany). She's a little intimidating because she's both sharp and abrupt.

Have you ever seen the movie Heathers? That 80s film with Winonna Ryder and Christian Slater? He meets her and says, "What's your deal?" She answers, "I don't really like my friends." I remember being astonished by that. And now...

You're right, S1 will not change her behavior, it's ingrained. I just have to brace myself against it, until I'm no longer willing to do so, because I have better alternatives.

KB, "eyes open" is right! And that's what I'll do. I have no hopes, no commitment, no trust in her. I just need to ride and feel best with another horse there at the moment. As soon as this passes, I'm out on my own, just Mag and me: ) Funny that you liked the blond, she was so abrasive to me, cuz she was so loud. I am friends with loud people, really, (in America) but she took me by surprise.

Kitty Bo said...

I liked the blonde because she was kind to you. And she sounds like an honest personality compared to S1. I think that when you stand up to S1, she will hopefully treat you better. I got rid of some toxic relationship friends. I wasn't being true to myself around them.

lytha said...

KB, I told my husband what you said. I trust you.

I don't know the blond's name, but I'll ask. She was kind to me, but..... the entire time had not asked who I was, what my horse was, nor where I lived in this neighborhood. I had asked of her, out of politeness, all of those questions, despite my shaky social skills, I even continued to engage her in conversation about food and culture, trying to reach out, but she was attuned to the people she already knew. I hope to meet her again.

Interesting how you said you were not true to yourself. I wonder how on point that is with me and S1.

Anonymous said...

On the subject of extroverted people being happier:
I think they're just a lot more loud and passionate regarding their thoughts and emotions. When they're happy, everyone's along for the ride! When they're upset, no one will hear the end of it, haha! Introverts emotions are italicized, extroverts are bold and permanently in all caps. 😂
That's just my perception, though.


As for that creep of a woman, I don't think I could be civil with her. Good on you for not acting right away. If she acts like a brat again, call her out publically, since she has no problem being mean to you around others.
I guess I just have a low tolerance for bullshit...at any rate, I hope she gets the message (however you choose to do it), and she leaves you ALONE! People are just rude sometimes.

Nuzzling Muzzles said...

Lytha - Thanks for the info. I was going to respond to your questions in an email novel, but for the life of me, I cannot find your email anywhere. The channels and corrections were different in each case. Yes, that is what I meant by "unassuming". I too have been training myself to remember that everyone has their own challenges, so I can't possibly understand the cause of people's behaviors, no matter how offensive I find them to be. It does make me feel better to believe that the man who ran me off onto the shoulder of the freeway was on his way to an emergency, even if that's not the case. I once got very angry with a friend who shoved me aside and smashed me into a wall while he was running up a staircase. I was so mad that I was going to walk out of his party and never speak to him again. Then I found out that he was running to rescue a friend who had been stabbed, and I was blocking his path because the music was too loud for me to hear him yelling for me to move aside. The truth was easy enough to forgive. Well... he could have been gentler, but he was half out of his mind at the time.

Sirje said...

I notice that you judge yourself so harshly, like accusing yourself of being needy and of starting drama. You seem to be a kind, thoughtful, and sensitive soul. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being those things, and when you walk, you also have the right to leave footsteps! It is not your duty to tiptoe around everyone else.

That said, I don't think S1 is acting like a friend to you, so perhaps it is a good time to let that go and downgrade her to what she is behaving like, a riding acquaintance. The investment in the relationship was not lost, it's just maybe time to stop investing now. Be as kind and generous with yourself as you seem to be with everyone else, and that will reverberate and multiply in your relationships. (Maybe just not this particular relationship.)

Tina said...

I'd drop your friend (S1) who ditched you but went with someone else. It seems to happen a lot with her. It seems like you are making better friends anyways. You don't owe her just because she helped you find Mag.

Kitty Bo said...

Ditto to what Sirje said.

Tina said...

Sirje I agree with you!! All the years I've been following Lytha, she is way too hard on herself 100%.

Olivia @ DIY Horse Ownership said...

This S1 lady seems like way too much drama to me. But I generally dislike people and have a pretty small circle of friends. I'm probably too quick to cut people out. But it really doesn't seem like bing friends with S1 is making you happy.