Mercer

For exactly 2 weeks I've been unable to blog this, but since I eventually wrote my mom, I figure I can copy paste that into a blog entry, at least. I hope I have the strength, later, to talk more about her. Right now it's a mix of horror and sorrow that we're both living with.

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We lost our cat Mercer last Saturday, the 25th, horribly. It's been 8 days and I have trouble finding the words.

10:30 pm I was looking out the window and I saw a car stop and turn on its hazard lights. I knew at that moment they'd run over our cat. My very worst fear had come true.

It was gruesome. She was awake and conscious the entire time, although half of her body was crushed and she was paralyzed. Her face, I never want to see that expression again on an animal.

They tried to get her out from their car, as I was inside calling every vet I know of, and apparently she was alert enough to only let J drag her body to the grocery basket. I was on the grass, hyperventilating and not helping the situation.

It took forever to get her to a vet who could put her to sleep, and that 1 hour was the longest of my life.

She was terrified and unable to move, her worst fear, she was always a wild thing. I kept repeating her name, hoping to guide her to heaven. Jwas in agony, he loved her even more that I.

I had just hoped, so much, for Mercer, for 15 years maybe.

We had 10.

I cannot stand it, I'll never have a cat again. I gave away all of her things on ebay the next day for free. The extremely poor person who showed up to collect apparently needed everything desperately.

My mind is mixed with the death/crash scene, and my first euthanasia. I can handle blood and gore, but this was something beyond, her body was destroyed and yet not dead. She was helpless, panting, and I wonder what amount of shock had let her escape some of the pain. I'll never know.

My mind is mixed with those scenes and it's difficult for me to go outside and sit in my garden chair, where she'd join me.  

J has it as bad, he fed her every morning and evening, and shared his sandwich with her. She followed us around our entire property, with no benefit to her except companionship.

The only thing worse than grieving, is to see the one you love most grieving with you. We stayed up all night, walking the streets, crying, unwilling to go to bed.

We try to keep it together, for the sake of the other.

I'll never have another cat.

2008-2020.