Halfway thru the tests (tldr: boring medic stuff)

It's the most unpleasant feeling - not knowing how you did on a test.

Today was test day 1 and I was so stressed I was actually ill - dizzy and digestive issues. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I don't dare go near coffee. My knees are bruised from practicing CPR yesterday. When people ask me how I feel, I hold up a shaky, freezing cold, sweaty hand.

I know all this stress does not help with performance, but what can you do. I tried deep breathing, and then God sent snow. I love watching snow falling and it was a gift. Then again, getting to this city today in deep snow was a challenge I could not handle, J had to drive me. Now I'm back in the hotel, one more night.

These tests are overseen by the government of the nation of Germany, if you can fathom what that involves. Lots of hush hush and my little scrap of note paper during my test was immediately confiscated, I wasn't allowed to even throw it in the trash.

My oral exam was at 8:15 AM. I had to get up at 4:30 to get here on time! I felt oddly calm because there's a point where you reach saturation, you cannot put anything more in your brain.

I was astounded when Martin showed up today to be one of my 3 test givers, Martin has been at every test I've ever had with rescue. He grinned so big when he saw me. He's like an American, his smiling.

The oral exam (s-c-a-r-y!) involves three types of questions. I had an emergency scenario to "solve", a legal question, and an anatomy/physiology question. Each part is 5 minutes.

My scenario was a hypertensive crisis, and I have a feeling I did OK, even though Martin kept prompting me to go back to my schema (the order of operations). I was skipping steps because I was focused on prioritizing stopping bleeding, calling the doctor, and interrogating the patient about his medications. Yah, so I'm not sure how well I scored on that, but I know not many of us can run through a scenario flawlessly in perfect rhythm, so I would think I'll get either a B or a C on that.

My law question was about the ...wow this is hard to translate back to English.... how medics are allowed to inflict bodily damage (intrusive measures) in order to save lives. I am so pissed off about this one because I specifically went to my teachers and asked them about this paragraph in the "law-book" and they started arguing to the point where they told me to just go away, they can't agree. So, no idea. I did my best but the legal language is way over my head. With some help from Martin, I was able to answer it. So, a B or a C?

My anatomy question was where I shone - I was asked to describe all the anatomical and physiological differences between babies and adults. LUCKY ME - I had this one! I gave the list of differences so fast the scribe could barely keep up with me. The emergency doctor asked me more details and I gave him the exact answer he was seeking. Yes! I'm pretty sure I got an A on that one.

***

Now for CPR. My partner is Alexia. This entire week I've been partnered with her. I knew her from a previous class and she's a real know-it-all, teacher's pet, etc. Now I'm paired with her and I've done my best to make it work. We're at the same hotel and we have breakfast together and walk to the school together.  What I don't like is how she gets really "knowsy" with me and takes on a lecturing tone, even when I ask her for her advice.

I found out she has been working as a volunteer for this medic association for 6 YEARS! No wonder she knows everything, ugh. I've been training for like 1.5 years, and my internships were not optimal, as I'm finding out, I needed to do a lot more hands-on than I was allowed.

So, I'm corrected a lot, by everyone, but especially Alexia.

The weird thing is, as smart as she is, she has left me hanging in several situations. She seems to just "forget" what we plan in advance, for example, who will be the team leader. Twice I've been the team leader, but she has just taken over that role.

Today during CPR I had a discussion with her before, "Let's do it exactly as we did yesterday in practice. EXACTLY. With this device here, this device here." I wanted to be the team leader first (to get that difficult role out of the way!) and it went really, really well! I was so nervous, when the testers asked us how we felt, at the start, I just held up my shaking hand. But it went perfectly. Until the very end when I realized I'd attached the Oxygen tank too late, I should have done that sooner. And honest to God, both testers said, "What? We didn't notice!" They joked with me, "Now we have to write your mistake down!" but they were just kidding. (Later I warned other students to not mention any mistakes, they might not have noticed.)

When it was Alexia's turn to be leader, everything went to crap. I have no idea why, but she immediately laid out the equipment opposite to what we'd done before and yesterday. I stopped in panic, "What is she doing, where do I go?" Then we started and suddenly our Defi malfunctioned, and the Defi is what directs our activity. I just knelt there helpless, not knowing what to do, but the testers fixed it. And later Alexia told me not to worry, it wasn't our fault.

My 1-person CPR was OK, I think.

My assisted breathing was a catastrophe because I forgot one important step and I couldn't get the air into the dummy. The teacher kept prompting me, helping me, and I finally figured out my error. No idea if that means I failed or passed.

So here I am, with two huge tests ahead of me tomorrow (written exam and 1 hour of emergency scenarios to act out). They actually hired an actor with props (fake blood) to play the patient! Scared of that!

I went in this morning resigned to fail. Now I think there's hope.

The thing is, you'll always make little mistakes, no one can do this perfectly. The question is if your little mistake turns out to be a life-threatening one. Which is why I failed my first class. Removing the motorcycle helmet requires absolute precision and I didn't have it.

I've been tested three times by these people, and every single time I've drawn the number for helmet removal. If I draw that number again tomorrow......!!! Lord help me.

It's snowing again, so pretty.