Today I had my first patient who was nasty to me. A homeless guy, carrying all his belongings with him into the hospital. 30 years old and smelly. And MEAN.
He mumbled something to me and I said, "I'm sorry, my German isn't great" and he said, "Oh, a FOREIGNER who has A JOB, of course you do! I am German and I can't find a job."
I was shocked but immediately defended myself, "I have no job. I'm here to learn." He didn't really accept that (cuz of my clown outfit) and he sullenly lay there facing the wall, full of hatred.
I sat in the corner, stunned that someone would be so mean. I've worked with cruel people before but it's been a very long time (that was also health care).
The silence filled the room and I remembered to pray for him. Ugh, that feels awful, praying for someone who just hurt me so badly. But that is exactly what I'm supposed to do. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." A neat trick my parents taught me - it's hard to be angry at someone when you're praying for them.
Suddenly he turned from the wall and looked at me, "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean what I said."
I came over to him and encouraged him to talk to me. He's been homeless and jobless and dependent on alcohol for a long time. He sleeps on a bench and eats at the free lunch place (?).
He had blood all over his hands and his leg was deeply cut, and he doesn't know how it happened.
He talked of how much he hates Germany, how much better America is. How hospitals in Germany are like the concentration camps where they test drugs on you. He talked about the ever present Nazis and his neighbor who tried to kill him with a hammer.
I wanted to clean his leg but Selina came in and did it, and the doctor stitched him up. I think it was then that he realized I really don't "work" there - since I wasn't allowed to do anything.
He kept saying how his soul was dying, he was a victim of society. The doctor said he needs to be transferred to a psychiatric clinic. He refused, saying what criminals they are.
Then she talked him into going to Marienheide (where Michi lives!) to their clinic.
Again he was stuck with me a long while as we waited for an ambulance to come get him. During this time I told him he was free to use our sink to wash his hands, and I pulled out our disinfectant wipes and let him clean his bloody shoes with them. I'm probably not allowed to let patients do this, but he was homeless and I wanted to give him this chance. He seemed thrilled to have such amenities. He asked me for a plastic sack (to keep his belongings dry in the rain) and I grabbed a few of our super -strong patient sacks. But he said, "No, I don't want sacks that say 'patient' on them." OK then, he has a strong sense of dignity.
Then he changed his clothes (!) and I politely looked out at my tree again. Hopefully he did not fill his pockets with needles and syringes. I checked every so often.
I wished I could have given him something. My lunch was downstairs getting cold and I had nothing to give. I just hung with him until the ambulance came. He was a lot cleaner than when he arrived!
He was being ushered out by the medics and I pushed through them and said, "Herr B! It was nice to meet you. I hope you can find a job" and I shook his hand. He said, "Same to you!"
So...that was weird, and kind of enlightening. It's been a while since I have hung out with homeless people and heard their perspective on life. I haven't seen such resentment....ever?
***
This day dragged on forever after that, I learned Thursdays are particularly slow. UGH.
Then Felix arrived and cheerfully asked if he could help me with my list of tasks. I am so grateful to him - it's not his job to help me, and he is the only one who is!
He told me he'd teach a subcutaneous injection, and I was allowed to poke him! I've only poked horses and Felix at this point in my life!
The he taught me some tricks for auscultation and also how to add meds to an IV bottle.
He said he'd help me again tomorrow, my last day in the ER. Thank God cuz I'm really tired of my colleagues who cannot be bothered to say hello to me, and would never dream of smiling at me. I hate to say it, but stereotypical German.
I'm not physically tired. I'm not mentally tired. I'm emotionally exhausted, not just from the sheer amount of socializing that I am suddenly doing (after living in my own private farm bubble for so long)....but also the underlying stress I feel from the lack of communication from "The Cold Ones."
My feet do hurt though, cuz I spend most of my day standing still, observing politely (observing while sitting isn't usually an option!)
One other thing I asked Felix to help me learn - the bed pan.
He refused to let me learn that on him. OK then: )
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8 comments:
It's hard for introverts to be surrounded by people all the time. When I first started working in a library (back in the mid-Pleistocene era), my colleague (who is still a friend after all these years) told me to "pretend to be an extrovert" at least while at the library.
I now to enjoy the company of people, mostly. The pretending is finally taking hold. But on my days off, I prefer to head to the woods with horse or dog. Hmmm.
Also: pay the extra $$$ for good-quality sneakers with lots of support and cushion to help your feet. Makes a huge difference on days when you are standing and walking a lot--especially if you are in a building where the floor is concrete or concrete covered by carpet or tile. I didn't need special shoes when I worked on the 2nd floor of an old library with a suspended wooden floor, but when I transferred to a brand-new building with carpet-over-concrete I had to use my first paycheck to buy shoes!
The homeless man's response doesn't surprise me as many homeless people are mentally ill, sadly. I'm glad you could help him.
Aarene, exactly. I pretend very well! If anyone shows the slightest kindness to me at the hospital, I "glom on" to them and ask them all about their job, and try to learn from them while they happily tell me how they spend their days (in the centrifuge, in the CT).
I guess the most exhaustion I feel is just the uncertainty of this temporary space, and knowing I have only one more day and then I begin again in another dept. (They call them "stations" but I call them departments cuz I'm ignorant.)
You say "sneakers" - that makes you Gen X, like me. I mostly say tennis shoes.
I was amazed on my first day, to see the variety of shoes, when I was given strict instructions on what to wear. Safe, closed, easy-to-disinfect shoes. And you know what they're all wearing? Crocs and Birkenstocks. *throws hands* Anja, today wore THONGS (Gen X for flip flops).
Cool thing was when a medic talked to me for the first time today. He pointed to my medic safety boots and said, "Safety boots!" Cuz I guess he also notices the weird footwear in the hospital. I said, "YES!" and I wanted to say, "I'M ONE OF YOU!!! ...Don't GO!"
KB, thanks, I hope I can help more, and I'm not naive, most of them will NOT apologize. *sigh* I've worked in software since 1995 and I'm used to being surrounded by professionals. Not that they are always polite, but they are MOSTLY so. I'd forgotten what the public was like.
"I wished I could have given him something."
You gave him a little bit of dignity, with your caring, your respect, your prayer. That's more than most would have bothered.
ES, I think you're right, based on the expressions of all the other nurses and nurses' aides that waltzed by (the rooms all have continuous passageway doors, so nurses are always passing through (SO RUDE!). They all raised their eyebrows another notch as they saw him. Some came over to stare and then left again without saying a word to him. Professional curiosity. I'm starting to be annoyed by that curiosity. Is it how they learn? How they make it thru their day?
I would be dishonest to say I'm not resentful, myself, of my colleagues. I'm only human and I'll be glad to never see them again, The Cold Ones.
When you said I gave him dignity, thank you. I think it was in the form of the several fantastic disinfectant wipes I let him use. Those things ROCK. I always feel enveloped in safety after using them. But I'm afraid you're right - I'm afraid not every nurse's aide would have said, "Go for it with our supplies, fella."
The thing is no one has prohibited me from so many things that I slowly learn are not technically allowed (having lunch with a patient on Tuesday, I found out yesterday is not allowed).
I wonder what will happen if they found me in their chapel today, taking a break. German hospitals always have chapels. Isn't that odd? I love it! No one else is in there.....just a Bible in German, which I don't know. We'll see.
Bless your heart. Your parents raised you right. I agree with Even Song.
Redirected aggression. It is a thing and it is very real. Cats do it, dogs sometimes do it, but people are the absolute worst at it, and you will see this a LOT in emergency, whether on the ambulance or at the hospital.
The human (whether the patient themselves or in my case the owner of the patient) will be stressed/worried/freaked out/anxious/in pain, and will lash out at whomever is closest to them in whatever way possible. It's rarely fair and it doesn't always make sense, like your homeless man snapping at you over having a job because he is stressed about his circumstances. Sometimes family members receive the brunt of it (my husband sees this in pediatrics and with psych patients) but more often than not it is the nurses/care takers/first responders that get the worst of it first. It is never personal, which is really hard to cope with sometimes when it the aggression does seem personal. You handled the situation *beautifully* and the man gave you the appropriate response: he apologized and you asked him to talk to you, and he did. Sometimes they just need someone to talk to. I can't tell you how often I've done that with clients: they are distraught over their pet over something that is resolvable and lashing out in anger and fear at the staff. I'll sit down and just let them let it out and most of the time, as long the client is reasonable (and sane...we deal with more legit mentally unstable pet owners than anyone wants to admit) they will tell you what is truly bothering them: their last pet died after similar symptoms presented. They euthanized their last pet at our hospital and they are having flashbacks from it. They just lost a human loved one or another pet or they are sick themselves or have some other godawful thing happening in their lives and this is the last straw. Most of the time they don't need you to fix it or give advice, they just need someone neutral to listen. Carlos does this with his psych patients especially and it makes a world of difference for their security levels in the hospital.
It is the most emotionally draining part of the job and sometimes even more exhausting than the physical part of it, especially when you are an introvert (like Aarene pointed out above), and to tell you the truth, it's taken me 10 years to get to the point where I'm comfortable doing this because I'm now able to remove myself from their negativity so I'm not affected by it (most of the time...). I go home happy because for one moment this person was able to find peace when they just needed someone to listen to them. There are still bad days and there are clients that are so emotionally distraught that there's nothing we can do to help them. But you do what you can and also accept that it is not your responsibility to fix broken souls or minds. You do what you can but if that isn't helping, you remove yourself from the situation and send that person a little light in the hopes that they will find their way. <3
High five for treating this man with so much humanity. *HUG* And I'm excited for the next part of your journey in the medical field after this internship is done!
Gosh I am so sad that your experience with Germany isn't as friendly as when I lived there. I use to live in Stuttgart.
I'm a introvert and when I am in a situation where I have to interact with people, I talk to fast so I can hurry up and get the conversation over with. Luckily I found a job where I talk on the phone for a living and don't have to be around too many people, for the most part. I also do not like to leave my house except to go to work or the vet.
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